Love

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps not record wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
1Corinthians 13:4-7

    The other day I was having one of those days where you just feel like you cant win. You question everything, the way you parent, your ability to be a wife, aunt, sister friend. Heck I found myself doubting the way I interacted with the cashier at Target.
Kelly and I were able to have thirty minutes alone to talk, in a house with five very active sometimes too needy children is in itself a miracle and I truly believe that God gave us those thirty minutes.

    I asked Kelly if he ever regrets marrying me. I mean he is so amazing dependant, and reliable. I feel so blessed to be married to this man. I feel that I bring so much baggage from my past that how could he not at least question marrying me.
I am not an easy woman to live with. I have the type of personality that can sometimes be overwhelming. I say it how it is and at times do not filter enough. I get overwhelmed and  regress back to a passive aggressive teenager. I hold things in too long and do not ask for help because I fear being let down. These are all the things I see in myself. I had know idea that anyone else could see anything different.

    Kelly's  response was the following "Channin, not for a minute have I ever regretted marrying you. Your past is what has created you to be the strong woman you are. You have persevered through so much. Because of this you have helped me to also persevere through all that we have been through, and what we are going through now."  You are an amazing wife and mother you fight for our kids needs, you can read them so well and know what they need. You are a great friend who goes above and beyond to help others.  I love you more than you know."

It wasn't easy to just listen to what he had to say because in my mind I was saying "Ya but" the entire time. After we spoke I went to have some alone time. I told myself that I cannot doubt this man. He loves me, and I love him. I know I love him because when he is hurting, I feel it. When I look at him sometimes I get a lump in my throat. I love him that much. I love the way he is always willing to help me. Even when it feels like he does more around the house than I do. I love watching him interact with our kids. He spends two hours going through Avery's bedtime routine every night and never complains. He plays minecraft with the kids even though he has no idea what he is doing. He rides scooters with Ella, and plays football with her. He holds me when I am scared, and allows me space when I don't know what I need or want. He has to love me to do all of those things.

Our marriage isn't perfect, no marriage is. I wouldn't trade what we have for anything. He is mine and I am his. I thank God everyday for my amazing, quirky, absentminded professor.

And Then There were Seven!!

 I received a call a few weeks ago. A call that took much prayer and petition before the Lord. Would you and your husband be able to take in your sister's three children for a period of time? My first thought was lets see our two who seem to be too much to handle plus three more? That makes five kids! Five kids and a dog! Five kids a dog, medical bills, insurance to pay, sports fees, food, the list went on and on. We have prayed about it and we have said yes. Yes because not only is it five kids a dog, medical bills, insurance to pay, sports fees, food. But it is three times the hugs, three times the prayer times to have at night. How could I say no to these three  blessings? They have been through so much in the past two years. Their father suddenly passed away two years ago in August. My sister and her kids watched their father and husband die on their living room floor at two o'clock in the morning. It breaks my heart to know that these kids will never again have a physical father. When it comes time for Cody to have "the talk" it will be without his dad. When Cami goes on her first date her father will not be there to give "The dad talk" to her boyfriend.  Cole will not have his daddy walk him to his first day of Kindergarten.
  Kelly and I will not only be providing physical support, we will be providing emotional, and spiritual support. These things are the most important. I want these children to know that they are worth the sleepless night, the big truck that sucks up gas but carries all seven of us, the fighting over computer time, the rush in the morning to make sure everyone has a lunch packed and homework done as well as a shower within the past three days. Who am I kidding with five kids within the past four days! I want to be able to pray with them when they are scared, talk to them about Jesus and how much he loves them and died on the cross for them. That God sees the pain they have been through and He cares! He cares and will hold them. I want them to know they can be angry, sad, scared, frustrated and I want to help them deal with those feelings.
Since anyone who has read my blog know my children let me tell you a little bit about Cody, Cami, and Cole.
Cody is 10 years old. He is funny and sweet. He has ADHD but works so incredibly hard to keep calm. He loves his siblings and is the first to see if bubba (Cole) is doing ok. He is a whiz on the computer he plays Roblox and a plethora of other games that I cant keep track of. He is acutely aware of others and their feelings. He just wants to be heard and listened to.
Cami is 8 and is our artist! She is incredible. She is our little organizer. She loves to clean her room and organize it. This usually means half of what is in her room ends up  in the hallway because there is just not enough room. When she misses mommy I say "Who is the next best thing?' She looks up and says "You Nannin"
Then we have Cole. Cole turned three in May.  He is so funny. His newest thing is speaking to inanimate objects as if they were alive. "Move chair, Nannin my chair is not moving!" he loves to play firefighter and save people. He knows all of his colors, and can count to twenty.
Please pray for our soon to be family of seven. Pray for a smooth transition. Pray that the finances come together to finish the basement so we have room for everyone. Pray for Kelly and I as we find our new normal. And pray for the kids all five of them to each find their place in our family for how ever long it needs to be.

Trials of Life...

I   grew up in a single family home. My mom loved us and provided for us the best she could. However I do remember going to bed hungry because there just wasn't enough money to stretch to the end of the month. I was made fun of as school because I was dirty and smelled bad. I have a twin sister and she was always 10-15lbs lighter than me and the kids always called me the fat one.  I knew these things but what could I do about it I was only 7.  I believe my sense of humor and sarcasm began at a young age as a defense mechanism. I needed something to hide the pain I felt. I can remember many afternoons crying in the bathroom because of hurtful things said. I honestly do not know how I made it through my elementary and middle school years. At the end of my 8th grade year we moved to Minnesota from Oregon. while I was scared at the idea of moving 2000 miles away from everything I had ever known I was excited I looked forward to a fresh start.
  When I got to Minnesota I vowed to never be the dirty stinky fat kid. I began dieting and working out to lose weight. It worked. Suddenly people were noticing that I was getting thinner. They said I looked good. At first it felt almost euphoric. However after months it started getting lonely. I still had no self esteem. Under it all I still felt like the fat, stinky kid. I was tired all the time, I slept through my classes. It is actually a miracle I made it through high school. I did graduate with honors and still struggled with the eating disorder. I went on to college. I had this idea in my head that if I could go to college then I would give up the eating disorder. By this time I had been fighting it for 5 years. I went to college and made the volleyball team. The eating disorder was still my go to for any type of stress. Although I loved volleyball I quit because I could not play a college sport and have my eating disorder. I made it through my freshman year of college. During my sophomore year in college I decided that I had to get help. I was put in inpatient treatment the first of many stays. I took a semester off from college. Going in and out of inpatient treatment multiple times. I went back to college the following fall semester. Where I met Kelly. My future husband. This time I said now that I have a boyfriend I wont need the eating disorder. Another lie. Kelly and I dated and eventually were married all the while I Kelly on one side of me and the eating disorder on the other. I wanted so badly to just be done, just eat, just let it go. It isn't that easy. Kelly was there each and every time. Never once did he give up on me. Somehow he saw through the eating disorder and saw his wife, the mother of his children.  After 26 inpatient stays and multiple hospitalizations I was put on what is called a commitment. A commitment is when a person is not taking care of themselves so the county steps in. I was assigned a social worker, and a lawyer. I then had to go to court to hear them tell the judge why I was a danger to myself and needed the county to tell me how and when to seek treatment. Basically after struggling with something for 14 years they felt that I did not have the ability to do what I needed to do.  After my court appearance the judge slipped a piece of paper to my lawyer. My lawyer came back and gave it to me stating he had never had a judge do this but the judge wanted me to have something. I opened the paper written on it was the following verse
 "For I know the plans I have for you,"declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart, I will bring you back from captivity."Jeremiah 29:11-14
 I wish I could say that just getting this verse "fixed' me and I never went back to the eating disorder. It did however give me hope. It still gives me hope. An eating disorder is a disease. It is not a choice. It is a symptom of something much more complicated than food. I know that through my struggle God has a plan for me. I don't know what that looks like I really wish I did. But I do know that without testing there are no testimony. The reason I am putting this all out there is because I have lived too long feeling ashamed of this. I know that many people struggle with a multitude of things. Addiction, depression, anxiety, relationships, the list could go on. My hope is that when you read this you know that life is messy and you are not the only one who has struggles. Please don't feel like you are alone or you have strayed to far to ask for help to lean on others. You do not have to wear a mask of "everything is ok" Its ok to not be ok.

What kind of Mother are you?

 Last night our house had a big bedtime battle. Most nights bedtime is a battle, but last night felt like a World War compared to most.
 After the kids finally went down, one in the hallway, and the other on his bedroom floor, I sat down took a deep breath and found myself asking "What kind of mother am I if I cannot even get my kids to bed at night without a fight?" I went to bed feeling overwhelmed and incompetent as a mother.
  I woke up this morning to two bright eyed kids who seemed to have forgotten a mommy who yelled and got angry. They both wanted to snuggle and draw me pictures. They still loved me and I even got a note from my son that said "Cool Mom"
  Let me first tell you what kind of mom I am not. I am not a mom who serves homemade meals every night. Actually more nights than I care to admit 5:00 comes around and I haven't even thought of dinner. I throw my hands up and put noodles and sauce on for yet another dinner of spaghetti. My house is never clean all at once. Not even with company coming, please if you come to visit don't look in my walk-in closet or at the giant bathtub in my bathroom that works perfectly as a dirty clothes bin in a pinch, and probably stay away from the mudroom as that is a very good storage place for a quick clean up as well.

  In the summer I am the kind of mom who tosses a bottle of shampoo at the kids in the pool and call it a bath. I also allow my kids to dress up in plastic bags and allow my son to put makeup on his sister and cousin.

I am the kind of mom who is not afraid to rock out to Justin Beiber, or get dirty in the mud. I let my kids go mud puddle hoping in the rain (I think that is the Oregonian in me) I am the kind of mom who will occasionally allow ice cream or leftover pizza for breakfast. Insert gasp! I love my children with all  my heart and sole. I am not afraid to apologize to them when I have yelled too much or been impatient for no reason. My kids know that I love them. I will fight for them even when others won't. I allow them to be who they are without any questions. My daughter will not wear anything that resembles frilly or girly, this Easter she wore a suit and tie that matched her brothers. My son's favorite color is purple and hot pink and that is ok too. I don't allow labels or stereo types to decipher who my kids are than why would I allow them to decide what kind of mother I am? God blessed me with two very unique children. He in trusted me with them because he knew I would be a perfect mother for them. What kind of Mother are you? I challenge you to look at what kind of mom you are to your kids and not what kind of mom others are. Because just as each child is unique and different and we embrace this, each mother is as well and we too should embrace the mother's we are and not worry about the kind of mothers we are not. Our children do not love us for what who we are not. They love us for who are.

Embracing the Messy...

  This is a picture of my living room twenty minutes after the kids woke up this morning. How do such little people make such big messes in so little time?
  This morning was rushed from the time the alarm went off. Actually I don't have an alarm I have two kids that come running into my bed ready for the day every morning by 6:00.  I stumbled downstairs quickly started my morning coffee. I then got the kids each breakfast. As they sat down at the table with them I noticed dirty finger nails and grass stained bare knees from the prior evening's soccer practice. I announced to the kids we need to take a bath before we leave for the dentist. My son replied with "I just took a bath last...When did I take a bath?" Precisely my point son, as I herd them upstairs I am trying to figure out just when the last time I did bathe them. Goodness life has been so crazy lately I cannot even remember.
  I get Ella started in the shower "not too hot, not too cold mom" then get Avery in the tub. While they are getting clean or at least cleaner than they started because I don't have time to observe I quickly throw a little bit of make up and brush my hair. I send Ella to find clothes as I get Avery a towel. Ella comes back wearing a batman shirt, brothers jeans, and boxers instead of her underwear. Insert roll of eyes, send kids downstairs.
  Downstairs I toss Avery's reading book at him and each a pair of socks. Sign his homework sheet. Pack lunches and backpacks and it is time for the dentist.
  After the dentist I drop Avery off at school, and get Ella to school just in time. When Ella and I get to school she has a little melt down. She is a little overwhelmed from all the rushing and needs some time with mommy. I think about the mess from the am and how the plumber is coming and I want to get it cleaned up. I also look at my six year old and remember what it feels like to be overwhelmed and just need a minute to be with someone familiar. I spend 15 minutes with her in her classroom while she eats her snack. When I get home I still have a few minutes to clean up but I leave it. I think back to Ella and the way she looked at me and how I almost left her because I felt I needed to clean for the plumber. I think about the messy morning and how frustrated I was by the time we walked out the door. I decide to embrace the messy. Because if I am too focused on the messy I will miss more special moments like I had with Ella today. I will continue to be overwhelmed with mornings like today and not take time to just be.

No Foot Too Small

December of 2006. I anxiously await the digital answer to a life changing event, blink, blink, Pregnant. We were once again pregnant. What are we going to do with three kids under three? Your daddy and I were a bit taken back by the idea of having another mouth to feed, but when the reality set in fear turned into excitement.
I soon began to dream about what you would look like. Boy or Girl? Avery insisted you were a baby brother while your cousin Cody asked for a robot. I wondered abouy your eyes. Would they be blue like your brother and sister? Would your hair start out red like Ella's, or dark like Avery's? Would you wear Ella's peach dedication dress or Avery's shirt and tie? I did not care as long as you were healthy.
When I first felt you kick I began to think about your little feet running up and down the hallway trying to keep up with your big brother and sister. I pictured you dimpled smile and dreamed about your laugh. I bet it would have been infectious like Avery's.
Then all my dreams came to crashing halt on a dreary March day, when your daddy and I sat in a dark room waiting to see you. However, there was something wrong. Your heartbeat was gone. I didn't understand, it was there just two weeks ago. Things were going so well. Mommy was working incredibly hard to make herself healthy for you and your brother and sister. The doctors says that it was not her fault. That is was a "genetic deformity" Genetic deformity or not Mommy and Daddy did not want to let you go so soon. We decided that you needed a name. We named you Christian Jacobs. Christian means follower of Christ and Jacobs after great grandma Anna.
Christian, Mommy and Daddy promise you we will meet again. Until then my sweet Christian, Allow Jesus to hold you. Until then you will be our angel. We love you Christian Jacobs Hoover.
Love- Mommy, Daddy, Avery and Ella
Dear Christian,
 I cannot believe it has been 5 years since I read this at your memorial. You would have been starting Kindergarten this fall, probably would have done Karate with your brother and sister. I most likely would have just signed you up for soccer just as I did for Ella and Avery.
     Ella talks about you and Liam often. I sometimes feel bad that I speak so openly about you two because I see the hurt in her eyes when she is asking why you could not stay here with us. But you are always going to be our little boys no matter how long you stayed here with us. I have no answers to her question and it hurts so badly some days. She draws pictures of you always with Liam always with angel wings. She says that she knows you guys are together and Uncle Shaney is taking good care of you. Your cousin Cole that was named after you is so different from the other kids in our family we know that he has a piece of each of you in his bubbly personality. Baby I don't know why God wanted you up there and I would change anything to have been able to keep you. But I do know that God has a huge plan for us down here and we are going to need our Angels to protect us and keep us safe.  We love you!
Mommy, Daddy, Avery and Ella

The Words that I Say...

    The other day I had one of those mornings. The kids were jumping around like monkeys hopped up on Mt. Dew, the dog had an accident and pulled an entire roll of toilet paper around the house, and an entire jug of Sunny D spilled on the kitchen floor. This was all before 8am.  As I was trying to clean up the mess (Ok I let the dog drink the Sunny D off the floor. One less mess right? get the kids ready, make breakfast, sign permission forms. I got a text from my husband "Honey I accidentally took your truck keys to work, sorry" Of all the mornings it was now 8:37 and I had to finish getting everyone ready so when the oldest got on the bus the leftover and I  could leave for an appointment all the way in St. Paul.  I wish I could say I took a deep breath and said "oh no honey don't worry I will figure it out. I love you and have a great day!" Nope I said some very hurtful words to my husband that morning. I have no idea where they came from I do know the minute I said them I knew that I had hurt him and I had no way of taking it back. It was a stark realization how hurtful words can be. The tongue is so small. It holds astonishing powers. It can encourage, strengthen and brighten one's day. It can also tear down, and crush other people.

      The guilt sat in my stomach for the day. I was reminded of the old saying I heard as a child and said many times to bullies "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me." I know from personal experience that this the furthest thing from the truth and I will never teach my children this. I have memories of growing up and people saying terrible things to me because our family was poor. I actually had a bus driver tell me "Primmer, you will never amount to anything!" That sat with me and still does. Although I have become much more than she thought I would be and then some. There are times when I think about those words, and have to remind myself that  I am a child of God worthy of being loved and accepted for who I am.

  Isn't that who we all are? Aren't we all worthy of being loved for where we are at. The next day after this foot in mouth situation I was at Target. It was 7:30 and there was only two lanes open! I stood there holding my tongue seriously only two lanes! I noticed that one of the lanes closed and the cashier cleaned up and left. Now I was really tapping my foot.  I noticed the same cashier that closed had jumped on another lane to help with a couple people. She did not turn her light on. I looked the the left and right and sprinted over to the register. Who cares that her light wasn't on. I said to her as I got the the front "Wow must be shift change" trying to make conversation. She snapped "Nope, that is just the way it is. There is nobody else here." Now my first instinct was to say something obnoxious about how grumpy she was. But I remembered my promise to myself just one day earlier to be more aware of the words that I use. I simply took a deep breath. As I was leaving I turned to her and said "thank you for stepping up and helping get the line down even though your shift was over" She smiled at me and said "Oh no problem its my last day anyway."  She had a reason to be annoyed. It was her last day at Target, and she was one of the only cashiers during a very busy time. We just don't know what is going on with people. Why they may seem a bit grumpy, or may glare and not smile. Who knows what their day has been like or what their life at home is like. I do know that something as little a "thank you" Or smile can brighten their day. My challenge to myself is to be more aware of the words I say. To take the gift of gab that the Lord has blessed me with and use it to lift others up, even when I feel they don't deserve it because everyone deserves to be lifted up and not torn down.

"We all stumble in many ways. Those who are never at fault in what they say are perfect, able to keep their whole body in check.

  When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal.

Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of even among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of one's life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell."

James 3:6