Trials of Life...

I   grew up in a single family home. My mom loved us and provided for us the best she could. However I do remember going to bed hungry because there just wasn't enough money to stretch to the end of the month. I was made fun of as school because I was dirty and smelled bad. I have a twin sister and she was always 10-15lbs lighter than me and the kids always called me the fat one.  I knew these things but what could I do about it I was only 7.  I believe my sense of humor and sarcasm began at a young age as a defense mechanism. I needed something to hide the pain I felt. I can remember many afternoons crying in the bathroom because of hurtful things said. I honestly do not know how I made it through my elementary and middle school years. At the end of my 8th grade year we moved to Minnesota from Oregon. while I was scared at the idea of moving 2000 miles away from everything I had ever known I was excited I looked forward to a fresh start.
  When I got to Minnesota I vowed to never be the dirty stinky fat kid. I began dieting and working out to lose weight. It worked. Suddenly people were noticing that I was getting thinner. They said I looked good. At first it felt almost euphoric. However after months it started getting lonely. I still had no self esteem. Under it all I still felt like the fat, stinky kid. I was tired all the time, I slept through my classes. It is actually a miracle I made it through high school. I did graduate with honors and still struggled with the eating disorder. I went on to college. I had this idea in my head that if I could go to college then I would give up the eating disorder. By this time I had been fighting it for 5 years. I went to college and made the volleyball team. The eating disorder was still my go to for any type of stress. Although I loved volleyball I quit because I could not play a college sport and have my eating disorder. I made it through my freshman year of college. During my sophomore year in college I decided that I had to get help. I was put in inpatient treatment the first of many stays. I took a semester off from college. Going in and out of inpatient treatment multiple times. I went back to college the following fall semester. Where I met Kelly. My future husband. This time I said now that I have a boyfriend I wont need the eating disorder. Another lie. Kelly and I dated and eventually were married all the while I Kelly on one side of me and the eating disorder on the other. I wanted so badly to just be done, just eat, just let it go. It isn't that easy. Kelly was there each and every time. Never once did he give up on me. Somehow he saw through the eating disorder and saw his wife, the mother of his children.  After 26 inpatient stays and multiple hospitalizations I was put on what is called a commitment. A commitment is when a person is not taking care of themselves so the county steps in. I was assigned a social worker, and a lawyer. I then had to go to court to hear them tell the judge why I was a danger to myself and needed the county to tell me how and when to seek treatment. Basically after struggling with something for 14 years they felt that I did not have the ability to do what I needed to do.  After my court appearance the judge slipped a piece of paper to my lawyer. My lawyer came back and gave it to me stating he had never had a judge do this but the judge wanted me to have something. I opened the paper written on it was the following verse
 "For I know the plans I have for you,"declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart, I will bring you back from captivity."Jeremiah 29:11-14
 I wish I could say that just getting this verse "fixed' me and I never went back to the eating disorder. It did however give me hope. It still gives me hope. An eating disorder is a disease. It is not a choice. It is a symptom of something much more complicated than food. I know that through my struggle God has a plan for me. I don't know what that looks like I really wish I did. But I do know that without testing there are no testimony. The reason I am putting this all out there is because I have lived too long feeling ashamed of this. I know that many people struggle with a multitude of things. Addiction, depression, anxiety, relationships, the list could go on. My hope is that when you read this you know that life is messy and you are not the only one who has struggles. Please don't feel like you are alone or you have strayed to far to ask for help to lean on others. You do not have to wear a mask of "everything is ok" Its ok to not be ok.