"Do you want to have more kids?" This is an innocent question that is asked to mothers all the time. I fear this question most when the topic of children and babies come into conversations. The answer is I want nothing more than to have more children. I have always dreamed of having four kids. The answer is no I will not conceive anymore children. That choice was taken from me.
On a dreary March day, I went to urgent care because I was spotting. I was 18 weeks along with a boy. I thought I would go and they would tell me that it was nothing. Kelly and I waited in the room. The doctor went to check for a heartbeat and couldn't find it. He told us not to worry most likely baby was being stubborn and hiding but we would do an ultrasound to be sure. I waited in the dark room, looking at the screen to see his little heartbeat and nothing...Just like that he was gone. The next day I had surgery. The next few months were a blur. We named him Christian and had a service for him. The doctors told us that we could try again in a few months. I did not want to. I wanted Christian. Then in August of 2007 we found out we were pregnant again. We were not trying to conceive again but we felt blessed that we were able to. The next 20 weeks were so hard because I was fearful of losing this one as well. We found out we were having a boy at 18 weeks. We decided to name him Liam Christian. I felt like I could breath we had made it 20 weeks. Then a week later, I was at a normal appointment and the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat. I froze. I began to cry. She said it may be he is being stubborn we will do an ultra sound to be sure. I calmed down and went into the room. When the OB followed us in I knew it was not just the baby being stubborn. We had lost Liam. I was not able to deliver him. Because of a rare blood disorder I have the doctor felt it would be safer for me to have him removed. When they removed him they perforated my uterus.
For the next three months I had this terrible pain. They kept telling me that there was nothing wrong it was all in my head I was just depressed about the losses. Then one day I spiked a fever of 105 and they knew it was not just in my head. They did an emergency hysterectomy. They found that when they had perforated my uterus it had gotten infected. The pain I was feeling the past three months was my uterus going necrotic. The only way for them to be sure the infection did not spread was to take my uterus. I woke up from the surgery angry. Why had God done this to me? Why had he allowed me to lose my babies and then take my ability to have any more children away from me?
I know that those questions will not be answered until I see him face to face. I also don't know what God has in store for me. I know that my desire is to have more children. Kelly and I are confident that God will use this tragedy in our life to bring hope and healing possibly to children who don't have anybody else. One thing I know with all my heart is We, serve a BIG God one who has plans for me that he has not shared with me just yet. Possibly because if he did my human nature would be to put limitation on his plans. So I will wait patiently on him to reveal His plans to me, in His timing.
"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek and find me when you seek me with all your heart, I will be found in you." declares the Lord, and will bring you back from captivity."
Jeremiah 29:11-14
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